Most parents pay close attention to their children’s development when the children are young. They worry if potty training doesn’t occur by age three, get concerned if the times tables aren’t mastered by fourth grade, and consult their physician if their child develops signs of puberty at age nine or doesn’t develop them by age 17. Yet few parents understand the developmental needs of young adults in their 20s. Those who employ their children in their family company will benefit from learning about the needs and concerns of young adults at this stage of life.
With my clients, I often refer to these years as “the trying 20s.” This decade is a good time to try different things. But living through this period can be a trying experience—for the young adults and for their parents. The family business can be a wonderful vehicle for growth, but it can also confuse and confound young people who are struggling to fulfill their potential. They may feel like swans in a duck pond because they haven’t yet found their true place in life.
Although some people find their niche in their family’s business while they are in their 20s, many who spend these years working for their family are frustrated and unhappy. For these next-generation members, the family business can complicate the process of determining who they were meant to become. Yet they may hesitate to leave. In some cases, they may be seduced by the sense of security their family firm provides and afraid of failing at another venture, even if it’s clear that they would be happier elsewhere. In others, they may feel pressure—actual or imagined—from their parents to stay.
Young adults are responsible for the choices they make during this stage of adult development. One of the key ingredients of quality leadership is self-awareness. If the only organization you have ever experienced is the family business, it is difficult to sort out who you really are. It is too easy to blame family dynamics for your weaknesses or to attribute your strengths to the advantages you have had. You have attributes or deficits that your family may not have noticed—qualities that may become apparent only by stepping away from the family.
Family business leaders can help their “20-something” relatives to achieve what the pioneering psychologist Abraham Maslow called “self-actualization”—becoming everything that they are capable of becoming—by paying attention to the developmental stages of young adults and tailoring their mentoring accordingly. They should encourage young relatives to find jobs where their interests, talents and passions can be realized—even if these jobs are outside the family firm.
The ‘novice phase’
The late Yale University psychologist Daniel Levinson, author of the landmark book Seasons of a Man’s Life (1978), described early adulthood as “the novice phase,” when individuals begin to establish a career and a family.
A considerable amount of anxiety is associated with the novice phase. Although some young people have definite ideas about “what they want to be when they grow up,” most people in their 20s struggle with the question. They may be confused by conflicting messages: “Follow your bliss”; “Be practical; go into a field like engineering, where there are always job openings”; “The future is in technology.” Working in the family business can be a way of avoiding a career decision.
According to Levinson, ages 18 to 22 represent the first part of the novice phase. “A major component of this task,” Levinson wrote, “is to separate from the family of origin.” Many young people go to college, join the military or move into apartments at this age. They move toward independence and gain a further understanding of their strengths and weaknesses through the successes and failures they experience.
When people in their early 20s go straight to work in the family business, they tend to misinterpret constructive criticism from their parents. “Dad has always been hard on me,” a son or daughter might complain. Sometimes, the other parent—even if she doesn’t work in the business—will intervene. Mom, concerned about potential harm to her child’s self-esteem, may tell Dad to “back off.” In such situations, the young adult misses the opportunity to learn his limitations. He may begin to blame Dad for his own lack of success.
In other cases, there may be some truth to the young person’s complaint. The family business leader may see his child’s entry into the business as a sign of his own impending mortality. Consciously or not, the parent may assert his vitality by being overly critical and demanding of the child.
For these reasons, family business advisers recommend that family firms establish a policy for entry into the business. It is wise to require two years of experience outside the family firm, including documented proof of success, such as a promotion or successful completion of a major project. Experience outside the family business enables the young person to acquire the self-esteem that results from succeeding on one’s own.
Sometimes problems that arise later in life may stem from a missed opportunity to establish a track record outside the family business. One of my clients was a 34-year-old man who had dropped out of college to join his family’s fourth-generation auto-parts company and was now a candidate to take over the business. Although he had strong leadership skills and high aptitude, he had not developed the ability to deal with ambiguity and challenges. He also lacked the self-discipline necessary to take the business to the next level. He had been raised to believe he had no financial worries and would always have a place in the business. Because he was invited to join the company upon leaving college, he never learned to cope in difficult times. When the company began to struggle, he lost all confidence in himself and readily relinquished his leadership role to an outside manager. Although this may have been the best decision overall, it hampered his ability to enjoy life. He refused to leave the company and go out on his own, protesting that he had a family to support—which would not have been an issue had he tried to succeed independently at age 20.
When parental ‘help’ is a hindrance
In the second part of the novice phase—ages 23 to 29—things get more complex. This stage is marked by exploration and, conversely, by a desire to create a stable structure. Exploration involves discovering and generating alternative possibilities, “hanging loose” and keeping options. Young people’s sense of adventure and wonder inspires them to form a variety of relationships and try out different careers in their quest to uncover all the treasures of the new world they are entering. Their choices still have a provisional quality—if things don’t work out, change is still possible.
At the same time, people in their mid- to late 20s feel pressure to take on adult responsibilities and “make something” of their lives. Externally, there are pressures to “grow up,” get married, enter an occupation, define goals and lead a more organized life. They are driven to expand their horizons and put off making firm commitments until their options become clearer, but they also feel the need to put down roots and seek out stability and continuity. This dichotomy naturally creates stress.
This is when problems often originate in a family business. As parents see their offspring struggle with “what they want to do with their lives” during this stage, they want to “help” their children and often encourage them to join the company. Successful parents want to relieve their children’s stress and, on some level, believe they have an obligation to rescue their adult child from the pressure of having to make these choices. Of course, parents also have other motivations for bringing the next generation on board—such as the desire to leave a legacy and the longing to ensure that their grandchildren will live nearby. Yet in terms of adult development, the mid- to late 20s is the most crucial time for beginning the process of self-actualization, and thus the best time to refrain from using the family business as a release from the anxiety of being a “novice adult.”
When young people experience the angst associated with this life stage, they will often yearn for things to be “settled.” Joining the family business appears to be the best solution. Again, an ill-advised decision at this time can lead to difficulties later on.
One of my clients is a third-generation CEO of his family’s mid-sized manufacturing firm who loves his work. He attributes his success to his father’s insistence that he complete college, work elsewhere and be successful before entering the family business. After graduating from Yale University, he accepted a position at a large manufacturer and worked his way up over a five-year period. When he joined the family firm at age 30, he introduced new ideas and procedures that improved the business. His self-confidence was high. He had learned how to manage people who were older and had more experience. He remembers feeling frustrated at not being able to join the business when he was younger, but today he is adamant that his own children will be required to adhere to the same policy.
On the other hand, another client, Roger, the co-CEO of a second-generation bank, is disillusioned and dispirited at the age of 51. His father insisted that he join the bank after he completed college rather than pursue his dream of getting a law degree. His co-CEO and younger brother, Tom, joined the bank at age 33 after having worked in marketing for several years. Tom loves banking and is seen by employees and the community as the “real” leader and visionary of the company. Roger appreciates his brother’s talents but struggles with his own dissatisfaction. He feels he “deserves” to be highly regarded because of all he gave up to be in the business.
The good news is that Roger has done an excellent job with his own adult children. As much as he would love to have them at the bank, he has remained steadfast in insisting they pursue their own dreams. It is also interesting to note that all four of his children have chosen to stay out of the family business, while all three of Tom’s kids are gaining the required experience in order to become active in the bank. In my opinion, Tom’s enjoyment of his work is enticing to his children, while Roger’s dissatisfaction has turned his offspring against the bank.
Family employment policies can help parents of adults in their 20s to resist the temptation to “save” their offspring from the pressures associated with this stage of development. It is preferable to establish these policies while the children are pre-teens or younger. Young people who know in advance that they must work elsewhere before they can join the family firm won’t feel that they are being denied an opportunity when their graduation rolls around.
It’s also advisable to develop a support system for family members so that siblings or cousins in their 20s—and their parents—have a forum for discussing issues they have in common. Another helpful tool is a family council, which might be the governing body that sets family policies and gives the OK for relatives to join the business.
Tom, my banking client mentioned above, had three children who aspired to be in the family business. At one family retreat, Tom’s daughter Alicia announced that she was planning to come into the business that fall. When asked if she had completed the requirements of the family employment policy, she insisted her internships and summer work counted. The head of the family council disagreed. Today, Alicia is completing her third year in a financial advising company and has received two promotions. She cannot wait to join the bank with all of her newfound knowledge but believes she needs at least another year to ensure she is completely ready.
Deciding to enter the family business in your 20s without taking the time to explore your interests and experience success independently can be a big mistake. Young people who step away from their families and put off making firm commitments until their options are clearer often end up more satisfied if and when they do join the family firm.
If you are confused about what you want, talk to a career counselor. He or she can help you become more comfortable with your ambiguity while giving you some idea of where to start. Take some time to pursue your dreams, and give yourself time to experiment until the right thing comes along. The most important lesson of the “trying 20s” is to be sure to try a variety of things.
Mary Ceynowa is an organizational consultant and executive coach in Lakewood, Colo. (www.ceynowaconsulting.com).