Have you heard comments like these in family conversations?
“Mary can't serve on the family council because she's a married-in.”
“Only blood relatives are permitted to see our company's financial reports.”
Here are four short tips regarding in-laws and decision-making.
Define Your Family
Most emotional discussions are triggered by role confusion. Your family can be defined by blood, adoption, current marriage, significant partners, former partners — and that definition will likely change every 25 years when the next generation redefines who is not family. Notice who speaks or acts like the founders. Notice who manages conflicts or fosters harmony. Discuss your observations, then write a definition.
Assess the In-Laws
For some reason — beyond love or money — those in-laws selected your family. Whether they brought open eyes to its strengths or a blind eye to its complexity, they chose your family. Assess why they did so. They may have wisdom or insight or unique value in asset management, capital management or conflict management. They may have stories about their family of origin that can be shared. Make a list of every in-law's unique values, gifts and possible contributions. Then share your list with others.
Embrace a Longer Timeline
When facilitating family meetings, I often bring an empty chair to the kitchen table or boardroom table, as a reminder of past and future generations, or shared religious figures, or those who are unable to participate today. Time is a strong asset when considering how in-laws could contribute to generational legacy. In-laws always bring diversity and potential alliances. And in-laws can embrace new leadership roles in a family office, council or enterprise. After G3, when there may be more resources for philanthropy or investing, those in-laws may bring critical expertise in new technologies or initiatives.
Use Simple Guidelines
A little structure goes a long way. A common structure is a decision matrix list of key topics with columns for those people with responsibilities for Input (I), Responsibility (R) or Decision- Making (D). Another common structure is a RACI Matrix to determine who is Responsible (R), Accountable (A), Consulted (C) or Informed (I) on key topics. In-laws often bring the most insight, so they should be included in annual reviews using that structure. If in-laws are silenced, there will likely be gossip and triangulation and increased conflict.
The pace of change will never be slower than it is today. So why not encourage participation from as many in-laws as possible?
Start today. Let me know what you learn!