Effective communication is one of the keys to happy, healthy and thriving families, so it behooves family members to try to become better communicators. This is especially important for families who work together around shared ownership of family assets. That said, communicating effectively can be challenging even when the message appears simple. Add the unique dynamics of family members running a family business, and communication becomes exponentially more difficult. Yet communication is the key to the success of every interaction, whether personal or professional.
Communication is an essential factor for cohesion in families and sustainability of family wealth. Roy Williams and Vic Preisser note in their book Preparing Heirs: Five Steps to Successful Transition of Family Wealth and Values that more than 70% of families are unsuccessful at multigenerational wealth transfer. Further, according to Williams and Preisser, 60% of the time this failure is attributed to lack of communication and trust within the family. The importance of communication cannot be underestimated, and the difficulty of communication cannot be overstated.
Family communication
Family communication is complicated by relationships and history. Family wealth and family business issues add another layer of complexity. Positive and negative interactions among family members over the years have an effect on subsequent interactions both inside and outside the family business.
Kenneth Kaye, a clinical psychologist and leading scholar in the field of family business, points out that conflict within families is fundamentally different from conflict between unrelated parties. Conflicts between parties who lack any long-term relationship tend to be linear; there is no attachment to one another. After the dispute is resolved, both parties can walk away. By contrast, conflicts within families are circular, creating a chronic pattern of escalation, de-escalation and re-escalation.
Keys to enhancing communication
Be conscious. Most of our communication takes place without much thought or effort. The following recommendations sound like common sense but often are not put into practice:
• Think before you speak.
• Be conscious about how your message may be heard by the other party.
• If you think your message is being misinterpreted or is not clear, check to confirm what you are saying is what is being heard.
• Beware of messages that trigger emotion; they might be surfacing unresolved issues from your own past experiences.
This is especially important when communicating electronically, often the preferred mode of communication in both family and non-family businesses. If you feel sensitive about an email or text message you are writing, consider verbal communication instead. If you read or hear a message and it affects you negatively, check out the intention by asking for more clarity. Many times misunderstandings result in incorrect assumptions that lead to more tension and can strain relationships.
Be aware of non-verbal communication. As the saying goes, “You get only one chance to make a first impression.” Within moments of your first interaction with a new person, you have formed an opinion. In his book Blink, Malcolm Gladwell discusses the conclusions we reach instantly using our intuition. Appearance is a very important component of non-verbal communication. Whether we like to admit it or not, we all make judgments and inferences based on the way people dress, their hygiene, their hairstyle, how they accessorize and whether or not they polish their shoes. Those judgments are based on life experiences and can be influenced by culture, geography, social status and individual worldviews.
Researchers estimate that up to 65% of what is communicated between the speaker and listener is non-verbal. Communication specialists tell us that if the listener feels there is a contradiction between what is being said and the speaker’s body language, the non-verbal message wins. Have you ever encountered anyone whose body language clearly indicated that something is wrong, but who denied that a problem exists? Did you believe what the person told you verbally over what you noticed in his or her behavior?
Improve your listening skills. Many experts consider listening to be the most important component of effective communication. You may believe this comes naturally and easily, but we are not born with active listening skills. Active listening takes practice and is learned over time. Strong listening skills are often critical to navigating potential pitfalls when family members work together.
One of the keys to becoming a better listener is to remove the barriers to listening. Examples of barriers include planning your response (which impedes hearing what is being said), judging the speaker and interrupting to give advice. Here are some tips to help you become an active listener:
• Lean forward.
• Make eye contact.
• Eliminate distractions.
• Manage body language.
• Convey a positive attitude.
Look at each interaction as an opportunity, and try to stay in the moment. Check your engagement by asking questions and restating key points back to the speaker. You want to be able to comprehend the major theme of the conversation, retain the information and intelligently respond to the speaker. A piece of good advice is to stop talking. This seems simple, but it can be very difficult to do, especially in highly charged situations. Staying calm and empathizing with the speaker will go a long way toward ensuring the result of the interaction is positive.
Listen empathetically. Empathy is said to be a key component of quality relationship building (both personally and professionally) and effective leadership. Learning how to listen empathetically can go a long way toward improving your overall communication success.
Listening empathetically is different from active listening. Active listening is making a conscious effort not only to hear the words but also to understand the complete message. Empathetic listening is a more generous form of listening; it involves “listening from the heart.”
Many people are compassionate and sympathetic, especially when the speaker is describing something the listener is familiar with. Empathetic listening requires you to put yourself in the speaker’s place and feel for that person, even when he or she is discussing something you have not experienced. You must put your own needs aside to see the situation from the speaker’s point of view. This requires a non-judgmental openness that establishes trust and allows the speaker to open up further and share in a more vulnerable manner, which results in greater transparency and greater understanding on the part of the listener.
Empathetic listening allows family members working together to see options not considered at the outset of the communication. The good news is that empathy can be taught and learned. Like most skills, it requires practice. Especially relevant for family members working together in a multigenerational business, parental modeling of empathetic behavior goes a long way toward instilling empathy in the next generation.
Here’s how you can practice empathetic listening:
• Find an appropriate setting for the conversation. Seek a safe environment away from distractions.
• Ask how you can help. Does the speaker want you to just listen, or is he or she seeking advice?
• Ask for clarity whenever necessary. Use phrases such as, “Please help me to understand” or “I need a little more information.”
• Prepare for accepting and managing emotional moments. Remember that genuine and open communication can often be emotional. Learning how to remain calm and objective while managing a wide range of emotions can go a long way toward achieving better understanding and building trust.
• Be agenda-free. Put yourself in a listening mode and try to imagine yourself in the speaker’s position.
• Remain objective. Don’t judge or personalize. Be open.
Follow the Platinum Rule. Across all cultures and religions, people have been taught a similar version of the Golden Rule: Treat others as you would like to be treated. We suggest a higher standard, the “Platinum Rule”: Treat others as they would like to be treated. In order to do this, you first have to take the time to get to know the person enough to know his or her preferences around behavior and communication.
Putting the Platinum Rule into practice takes time and effort. It is likely impossible and, truthfully, not necessary to follow this rule with everyone, but it can be critical in significant relationships. For example, understanding the communication style of the employee at the Starbucks drive-through is far less important than understanding your family members’ preferences.
Make the effort
Effective communication requires dedication and practice. This is certainly the case in family businesses, where family history and past interactions may come into play. In addition to being open to learning about your own communication styles and preferences, think about how best to communicate with your family business partners and other important people in your life, and commit to becoming an active, empathetic listener.
As noted earlier, research points to the breakdown of communication as the No. 1 reason for loss of family wealth. If sustaining family wealth is the agreed-upon mission of a family, the family members owe it to themselves to develop strong communication skills.
Daisy Medici (daisy.medici@genspring.com) managing director of governance and education and David Herritt, J.D. (david.herritt@genspring.com) is director of governance at GenSpring Family Offices.
Copyright 2014 by Family Business Magazine. This article may not be posted online or reproduced in any form, including photocopy, without permission from the publisher. For reprint information, contact bwenger@familybusinessmagazine.com.