Addiction is difficult enough to contend with in a family relationship system, but when it is evidenced within the context of a family business, dealing with it may become even more complex. The intertwined family and business issues often make family members reluctant to openly acknowledge the situation.
Some examples from my consulting practice illustrate the type of problems that may arise from several specific addictions: chemical dependence (drug/alcohol addiction) and addiction to pornography.
‘Mr. Infallible’
While I was consulting with a large commercial real estate corporation about how to reapportion responsibilities owing to a global expansion, three of the partners became very concerned about the fourth, who was the reigning CEO. (Details about the firm and its industry have been changed to disguise my clients’ identity.) The CEO had already stated emphatically that he would not be the one designated to relocate, without any discussion with the others.
His partners called to set up an emergency meeting with me when he was out of town and said something urgent had come up that could not wait until his return. They told me that “Mr. Infallible’s” behavior had changed markedly in recent months. He had become irritable, domineering, impatient and hard to get along with. He had told his wife of 30 years that he wanted a divorce immediately; she was shocked even though his behavior had been erratic recently. He had been staying out until the early morning hours, arriving late to work and leaving the office early. Several new, younger, “seedy looking” friends were seen hanging around the house, and he had started disappearing to take calls on his cell phone. The business was prospering, but he seemed to have lost interest in everything except profit margins and his bonuses.
One brother had begun to suspect the change in his behavior and personality was attributable to drug abuse, but the sister and father did not want to consider this possibility. They did not want to “rock the boat,” since “Mr. I” was the chief rainmaker. But when he served his wife with divorce papers, they could no longer avoid facing the problem. Based on my clinical and research experience with addiction, I concurred that it sounded as if “Mr. I” was using hard drugs, most likely cocaine.
The family and I outlined a strategy for next steps to be taken. The days of denial, which many families engage in rather than acknowledging the elephant in their business, had ended. It was agreed that the father would talk with “Mr. I”—his eldest and perhaps favorite son—and express concern over his son’s changing demeanor and interactions. A meeting with the son was set a few days later to discuss the family’s concern.
“Mr. I” was infuriated when his brother conveyed how distraught they were. I sat quietly and let him fume for a minute, and then asked softly, “Are you using, or are you drug-free?” He glared at me, paused, stood up and glowered, “I’m using and there’s nothing any of you can do about it.”
His father, following my coaching instructions, put his arm around “Mr. I’s” shoulders and said, “We’re all in this together and if you destroy yourself, you destroy our family, our business and your family. We love you and won’t let you do this!”
“Mr. I” was stunned that his usually doting, mild-mannered dad was taking a strong, public stance. He sat down and shouted, “What do you want from me? I’ve made you all rich. How can you turn against me?”
The family insisted that he enter a high-powered, well-respected 30-day rehabilitation program; he belligerently said yes, but delayed doing so for three months.
Two years later, he has been in three different upscale drug rehabilitation programs. He left two of the programs early because he thought he knew more than the drug rehabilitation counselors and rationalized—as many wealthy, self-made patients do—that he was much smarter, richer and more successful than they, so they could not possibly know enough to help him. The third program, where he still is in residence at this writing, is accustomed to treating affluent patients who share his sense of superiority and entitlement; so far, the staff there has been able to engage his interest.
His divorce was legally concluded, much to the consternation of all family members. He became involved with a young woman he met at the first rehab program. Except for being willing to continue getting huge allowances from him, his children wanted nothing to do with him.
His addiction had a devastating effect on the family business. The most silent sibling partner, his sister, requested an overseas assignment to distance herself from the turmoil in the corporate office and from the embarrassment she thought his behavior heaped on the business and extended family. The other brother increasingly separated his area of the business, located in the southeast, from the core enterprise after his formerly revered brother dropped out of the second treatment program. He was angry that “Mr. I” was not taking the problem seriously and refused to recognize what his behavior was doing to everyone else, and that he was not willing to assume responsibility for the downturn in the business’s profit margin. The parents were sad and ashamed; they wondered, “Where did we go wrong?”
Changes in the behavior of employees and of mid-level non-family managers are likely to garner attention rapidly. If the HR manager, a family business consultant or another objective person identifies a substance abuse problem, there is usually some discussion with the individual, and the expectation of treatment within a certain time frame is communicated. If the treatment goals are not met, employment may be terminated. However, when the person who has developed an addiction is the CEO or another high-ranking family member, addressing this issue usually is much more problematic and often an onerous task.
When it becomes evident that a family member in the business has a substance abuse problem, the rest of the family must make clear to the individual the impact of the problem behavior on the business, as well as the consequences if the addiction is not treated sufficiently. Even though this family addressed the situation, at this time they are still torn apart, and their business has faced a slight downturn, some of which is also attributable to the national economic recession. However, since “Mr. I” has remained in rehab beyond the required month this time, his children have resumed contact and are planning to visit him. His parents are cautiously optimistic about his recovery, and his brother is attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings to gain more understanding of “Mr. I’s” addiction.
Despite the havoc and tensions evoked that resulted from confronting “Mr. I” about his addiction, ignoring it and letting it escalate unbridled probably would have led to some dire outcome—he might have seriously overdosed or become deeply involved with dangerous, big-time drug dealers. Because he would have become increasingly incompetent, his role in the business and the family relationships would have deteriorated further.
Thus, the course of action the family pursued, although risky and gut-wrenching, was the wisest choice. The family still cares about him deeply and is supportive of his recovery; the business has been protected from threats, extortion and rapid decline. Responsibilities have been temporarily redistributed and the business is in survival mode.
Internet pornography
Virtually all businesses, small to gigantic, now function in the high-technology world. Most, if not all, employees have computers on their desks. While the innocent-looking machines have sped the pace of commerce and made global communication possible, they have also made pornographic material easily accessible.
In my consultation practice in recent years, I’ve encountered at least four situations in which a member of the family business upper management team (or a spouse) became aware that an executive was spending increasing amounts of time immersed in the computer and became suspicious about the preoccupation and fascination.
Often suspicions are aroused when someone spends an inordinate amount of time on the computer, way beyond the demands of normal business and personal life. The individual may quickly and sheepishly turn off the computer when someone enters the room. The individual’s overall behavior may have become more secretive; he or she may cut conversations short because of the desire to get back online.
By quietly approaching from behind to peer over the person’s shoulder, viewing the individual’s favorite websites or through some other means, family members or managers have confirmed their suspicion that the person is taking frequent, prolonged trips into pornographic cyberspace.
This newest out-of-control behavior to be added to the list of sexual addictions has a staggering impact on those who discover it, especially if the discovery has occurred stealthily. A spouse may immediately become enraged and instigate a confrontation. Another family member may be stupefied and not know what to do; much will depend on who has more power in the family and business hierarchy and on the nature of the relationship.
If the offender is a parent or grandparent, the discoverer must reconcile this information with the image of a respected elder. How could this happen, and why? How could he (or she) do this to us and to the business—hurt us so and imperil us all? How do we handle it? It may be the discoverer’s first encounter with the vast porno world, and he or she may be mystified and ashamed that this is happening in the family.
Awareness of this addiction leads to loss of respect for the person in question. It also arouses justifiable fears of discovery or possible threats of blackmail and extortion from a chat room “lover” who figures out the real name and stature of the addict and wants a payoff for not revealing what’s been going on.
When I’m asked to advise a family in this situation, I indicate that taking action is difficult, but inaction is indefensible. With slight variations according to the situation, I suggest they discuss what they have learned with several other key members of the team whom they most trust and respect, citing factual evidence and producing it if they have it. Together they can decide who else should be brought into the dialogues at this juncture or if those should be kept within as small a group as possible to protect everyone.
Next, they must rapidly schedule a time to meet with the person involved in the pornographic (and perhaps other) addiction. Someone should be designated to open the discussion. Everyone must express caring for and concern about the addict, as is done in any other intervention process. Then they must confront the addict with their fears and why the behavior must stop immediately. The addict must leave the chat rooms without saying goodbye, cancel the e-mail address and phony moniker and enter outpatient treatment with someone familiar with this kind of sex addiction. If these measures are not sufficient to enable the person to gain some understanding of his or her motivation and why gratification was derived from this behavior, he or she must enter an inpatient program for treatment of sexual addiction.
The family must clarify the consequences if the individual refuses to comply with these conditions. Marital and/or family therapy also may be needed to resolve the issues this foray into pornographic cyberspace has raised.
The problems won’t resolve themselves
Addictions are never easy to address. Addicts are prone to deny, lie and resort to subterfuge. Family members often prefer to hope the problem will “go away by itself” and collude in denying its existence or, if they acknowledge it, minimizing its seriousness. If the problem—whether it’s drug abuse, alcoholism, compulsive gambling or any sex addiction—is not dealt with, it can wreak havoc on the person’s life, the family relationships and the functioning of the business.
Family dynamics may impede sound decision making and swift action to address the problem. Just as specialists in finance, law and other disciplines are called in to consult when needed, a business family (or their adviser) should consider engaging a professional who’s skilled in this particular realm of consultation.
Addiction elephants are weighty and do not just disappear. They need to be confronted and cared for—or removed!
Florence W. Kaslow, Ph.D., is president of Kaslow Associates, a family business and team development consultation firm in Palm Beach Gardens, Fla. (drfkaslow@bellsouth.net). She is board certified in family, clinical and forensic psychology by the American Board of Professional Psychology.