When parents and their adult children work together in the family business, the family’s emotional ties can interfere with their working relationship. Parents, recalling the days when their children were toddling around the house, may be slow to accept their now-grown kids’ professional competence. For their part, the next-generation members may misconstrue the senior generation’s managerial direction as parental nagging.
But when the business family is a blended family, the emotional issues are even more complex. In some cases, the blended family must negotiate professional relationships while it’s still writing its family history. “We need to work toward a business relationship that does not reflect family ties, only performing our duties to the best of our abilities,” says Georgia Kelley, 53, president of Mountain-Lake Log Homes Inc. in Pell City, Ala., where she works alongside her husband, Gary, also 53, and her children from her first marriage, 27-year-old Rachel Baribeau and 33-year-old Matt Willis, plus Matt’s wife, Catherine, 23.
It’s easy for Gary to compartmentalize his relationship with the children while he’s at work, Georgia says. But, she notes, “This is such a challenge for me personally.”
The process of creating a new family and business identity is stressful, acknowledges Denise Coates, a family counselor at Family Resource and Counseling Center in Gap, Pa. “The rules change when the family or business structure changes,” Coates says. “Everyone needs to know what their new role is in the new situation.”
Negotiating relationships
Mike Dunn, 40, recalls that when he first joined his stepfather’s winery, Dunn Vineyards in Angwin, Calif., he was unclear about how many hours per day he was expected to work. Dunn was accustomed to working from 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. “unless it’s harvest or bottling time,” while his stepfather, Randy Dunn, 60, was used to “people working long hours, six to seven days a week.” (Mike started using the surname Dunn as a seventh-grader, when Randy Dunn married his mother, Lori. Randy Dunn legally adopted Mike in February 1982, when Mike was a high school sophomore.)
On several occasions during the early years, Dunn says, “My stepdad would show up at 4 p.m. and give me three more hours of work for that day. Then he would leave. It used to make me frustrated, like I could never finish or get enough done.”
Dunn says he was able to resolve the issue when he realized that his stepfather loved tennis and would leave the business early to pursue that passion. Once he understood the situation, Dunn says, “That was a relief because then I felt it was OK for me to leave as well.” He now recognizes that some basic communication could have saved him anguish. “Of course,” Dunn says, “I never really sat him down and explained how I felt. He was probably just trying to keep me busy, knowing I would leave when the day was over, regardless of what was left to do.”
It’s essential for blended families to communicate clearly at home and at work, says family counselor Coates. “The key is to be proactive and anticipate any touchy areas,” she says. “If a touchy area has not been anticipated with open communication, set rules on how to handle the situation until a family meeting can be held.”
Of course, every family must find its own way of handling communication issues. “My mom tried to schedule morning meetings once a week, but it didn’t last,” Dunn says. “What’s key for me is to be able to ask questions at the time of need, and I need to not let frustration build up.”
Surviving stressful times
Mike Dunn says he avoided his stepfather’s business at first; he worked as a bicycle mechanic after graduating from the University of California, Santa Barbara, in 1988. Memories of the stresses on the family in the late 1970s, when the winery was in its infancy, kept him away, he says. “My parents were under a lot of financial distress,” Dunn says. “Land was expensive, especially with vineyard planted on it. Barrels were incredibly expensive, storage space was tight and the equipment was old, broken-down rejects from other wineries” In addition to running his own winery, “My stepdad worked full-time at another winery,” Dunn recalls, “while my mom stayed home to take care of the children.”
The pressures sparked family conflicts, Dunn says. “This is a large reason I stayed away from the family business.” He decided to join the winery after his sister Jennifer died from bacterial meningitis at age 21 in 1999. Dunn says he’s learned that he must address issues as they arise rather than letting them fester, which in the past would lead to blowups with his stepfather, Randy, or his mother, Lori, 62. It’s important for him to stick up for himself, Mike Dunn says. “I needed to act like I mattered—that I’m in control and that I’m not powerless to the demands of my family.” At the same time, he says, he realizes he must not take all family members’ comments personally. “I don’t respond to issues angrily [anymore],” he says. “And I don’t try to win or intimidate—I try to be accommodating and receptive [in order] to resolve the conflict.”
Georgia and Gary Kelley started their log home business when they were in their early 40s and had been married a few years. Today, it generates about $2.3 million in annual sales. Georgia’s daughter, Rachel, has been with the company from the beginning; as a teenager, she helped out with administrative duties and continued with the company throughout her college years. Her brother, Matt, joined the business as a sales consultant after graduating from college. Matt’s wife, Catherine, works in the Kelleys’ gallery and gift shop. Gary’s daughters, Lauren, 26, and Courtney, 25, also have helped out in the business. “Both girls started after high school and have worked on and off in our business as needed,” Georgia Kelley says.
As a blended family, Kelley says, they must “work as a team, all understanding the goals and objectives that need to be met to stay successful. The older Matt and Rachel become, and the more responsibility that we place on them, the greater the opportunity that we have to grow together.”
Kelley says she realizes that in the past, her protective instincts took over when Gary got upset with her children. “It was hard to separate this great [maternal] instinct from business at times—and then, at times, I had to stand my ground too.” Her conflict-resolution strategy has included reiterating to Gary that their children will take over the family business someday, she says. She also has pointed out that while the children depend on her and Gary, the couple also need the children to help the business prosper. “When you have a family business,” Kelley says, “there are always situations, roadblocks and inconveniences that have to be dealt with, as well as adjustments to be made and decisions that affect everyone.”
When Rachel was a teenager, the Kelleys’ log home served as a model home, open at any time to prospective customers. Georgia recalls that Rachel had to be prepared to show off her room at a moment’s notice, and only a limited number of her friends could visit. Because the business office was located in the bedroom across the hall from hers, Rachel was told “how important it was to maintain professionalism,” her mother says.
Kelley now says she’s sorry she had to put limits on her daughter’s teenage giggles and use of the television and stereo. “This is one of my regrets,” she says, “but we’re all survivors and made it through those volatile years.” Rachel balanced the constant focus on the business with outside activities like cheerleading and choir, her mother notes.
Family counselor Denise Coates says that the stepparent-stepchild relationship is especially tenuous when the stepchild is a teenager. “This is where proactive planning can make the chance of [success for] such a relationship increase exponentially,” she says. A business family can maintain a sense of normalcy and help keep the peace by scheduling time off for a family getaway; banning business talk at meals; encouraging the children to get involved in sports or other school activities; and ensuring that at least one parent attends soccer games, school plays and similar events.
Resolving conflicts
Coates advises blended business families to anticipate problem areas in advance and establish conflict-resolution strategies before tensions arise. These strategies might include clarifying problem areas, giving detailed instructions and checking to ensure family members understand them, treating family members as respectfully as employees, and maintaining strict barriers between office and home. “Create a plan during regular family meetings,” Coates suggests. “Make sure to plan both the big and little issues, so that everything is covered.”
Georgia Kelley says that when her family senses a confrontation is near, “We all need to calm down and wait until we can sit down and talk among ourselves in a professional manner. We need to remember that we’re business team members. Husband-and-wife owners need to learn how to separate business from marriage. And they need to learn how to lay [aside] the business and concentrate on one another.”
It may be best to wait before discussing a controversial topic, Mike Dunn advises. “It’s sometimes better not to bring up issues right away and let things cool off for a while,” he says. A good piece of advice he once received, Dunn says, was to write down issues he wanted to discuss with his stepfather, then wait to see if the issues still mattered to him the next day. “If it is still on target,” Dunn says, “then present the problems.”
Kelley notes that the trust that her blended family has worked to build with each other mirrors the trust her company must establish with customers. “Trust is the most important factor in any business,” she says. “ do know that all businesses, especially family businesses, need a major portion [of trust] to survive.”
Wendy Komancheck, a freelance writer based in Ephrata, Pa., writes about small business, agriculture and tea (wendykomancheck@yahoo.com).
Working together as a blended family
Denise Coates, a family counselor at the Family Resource and Counseling Center in Gap, Pa., offers four tips for working together harmoniously as a blended family:
- Set rules ahead of time.
- Verbalize expectations.
- Respond and/or behave consistently.
- Align your parenting and working styles.
She also offers advice for remarried entrepreneurial couples:
- Decompress in the car on the way home.
- Exercise before coming home from work to let off steam.
- Set firm boundaries, and set aside time together as a couple.
- Turn off the phone while at home, at least for a little while,
- Plan for playtime.
— W.K.