If getting along with your grown-up siblings seems tougher than it should be, the problem may be partly semantic: Perhaps the words “grown up” should be used advisedly in reference to your siblings when they have merely gotten older. Not that you still consider them kids; it would probably be safer to refer to them, euphemistically, as “maturationally challenged.”
Of course, they probably say the same about you.
Families are like opinions—everybody’s got one, but they don’t all bear repeating. Yet repetition is of the essence. When it comes to our grown brothers and sisters, we do sometimes unwittingly expect them to reprise their childhood family roles indefinitely, straitjacketing them with unfair expectations. Try to lighten up. After all, you’d like to think that you’ve grown as a person since your childhood, so why not let them bask in the same sweet delusion?
And remember that no matter how much you shared as kids, by the time you’re adults you’ve each done much more on your own. Even the childhood events you experienced together are open to interpretation: Always picking your little brother last for neighborhood baseball games is qualitatively different from always being chosen last by your big brother. Clearly, your siblings’ subjective perceptions might not jibe with your objective analysis.
Yet you share so much. All happy families are the same, so the saying goes, but unhappy families are miserable in unique ways. Sometimes the best we can manage is to savor this singularity. And while dysfunctional uniqueness makes it difficult to generalize, chances are pretty good that your siblings feel that they (a) got too little parental attention, (b) got too much parental attention, (c) got the wrong kind of parental attention, or (d) all three.
This miasma of misunderstanding is further complicated by the fact that sibling rivalries and birth-order disorders run rampant in many families, potholing the psychic terrain. The oldest child, despite voluminous evidence to the contrary right there in the family photo album, often feels sorely neglected. The youngest, meanwhile, hates being treated like the baby of the family—except when there’s some advantage in it. And middle children—well, who cares, really?
Because nothing is less welcome than good advice, I’ve gathered some bad advice. Judiciously ignored, it is guaranteed to strengthen any troubled adult sibling relation.
- Take long vacations together. Nothing reminds you of your siblings’ annoying habits like excessive togetherness, especially if you haven’t seen much of each other recently.
- Criticize your siblings’ mates (or dates). You’re only doing it for their own good, after all.
- Never forget a childhood slight. In fact, in the interest of full disclosure and personal growth, you should air ancient grievances repeatedly.
- Openly critique your siblings’ parenting skills and freely criticize their children (while spoiling the kids rotten).
- Try to establish a new world record for holiday brooding.
- Use your siblings’ most embarrassing childhood nicknames around their adult friends.
- Fully expect that loans made to your sisters and brothers will be returned in a timely fashion.
- Take charge. Your siblings won’t mind if you appoint yourself Dad Junior or Apprentice Mom.
- Make a long visit to your siblings when it’s most convenient for you.
- Fight tooth and nail over every penny of your inheritance from your parents.
- Ask your siblings the sort of pointed questions that you hated before you attained your current, Buddha-like state of enlightenment: What’s your major? Are there a lot of jobs in that? Are you still dating him/her? When areyou going to settle down?
- Write about getting along with your siblings for a national magazine.
Jeff Reid is a freelance business writer in Hollywood, CA. This article first appeared in the Utne Reader, May/June 1994. Reprinted with permission.